I had my hands full but I needed to turn on my light
so I just used my mouth and flicked the switch up with my tongue
and then I realized
uh
oh
WHY DOESN’T THIS HAVE MORE NOTES?! THIS IS HILARIOUS!!!!
THIS IS THE BEST
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today my sister asked me for a glass of cold water and i sarcastically asked her “how cold” and she said “as frigid as your love life”
+ 26557
My mom was on the phone with her best friend and she was like “no she’s a virgin trust me” and then she was like “Emily talk on the phone with Jess!!” And I was like wtf but said hi anyway and then she took the phone back and she was like “you see? You can hear it in her voice” oh my fucking god mom I swear to fucking god
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can we all just take a minute to imagine steve rogers’ face the first time he heard someone say “motherfucker” casually
jared how many regrets do you have
66,938
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friend’s parent: would you like something to drink?
me: no thank you
me inside: the thirst is real
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so today i learned that in the late 1800s-early 1900s, the navy became concerned about possible homosexual activity among their sailors
so they sent in decoys, whose job was to pretend to want to engage in homosexual activity in order to find gay sailors
except then the job of the decoy got popular
like, really popular
like… worryingly popular?
reports said that the decoys were performing their jobs with “much enthusiasm and zeal”
eventually the navy decided. to. just stop.
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ugh mums are so annoying ‘clean ur room take out the trash im worried about your mental health why is there a dead guy in the living room’ ha ha yeah ok whatever mum
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